Bet it all

I just made a huge monetary investment in this idea that I have. I realize that huge is relative, but based on my income level it could be all of the money that I'll ever have. I don't know if it's going to work out or not, but after a lot of contemplation I decided that even if I lose everything and nothing comes of it, it's still better than not having taken the chance and never known if my idea would have panned out.

My brother used to have this song of inconsequential title that started with a sound clip that said, "The funny thing about regret is, it's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done." Don't look up the context or it'll ruin the quote, but I still think it's true.

Black lies

I have an attribute which some people find quite distasteful about me. The nicest way this has been described is that I am "honest to a fault." (It's definitely been described in less-friendly terms.) A good friend of mine once said to me, "Don't tell me your opinion. You're too honest."
I don't like the "white lies" that people tell others because they'd rather tell a person something that will make them feel good than tell them the truth. I think that lying in any form is wrong, and even though it sometimes means telling people what they don't want to hear and what their other friends won't say to them, I haven't felt guilty about that.
Unfortunately, I recently realized that I haven't been as honest as I'd thought. I have no problem telling the truth to someone when it's something bad about them, but I have a much harder time telling someone what I really think or feel when it's something good. I hardly ever tell my friends how much I care about them or admire them; instead I pretend that I'm indifferent to such things. It's like if it's someone else's ego on the line, then I'm perfectly willing to be honest, but if it's my own ego on the line (maybe for embarrassment or fear of rejection or fear of commitment or whatever it is that prevents me from saying nice things to people that I care about), then I hide my real opinions.
I'm a much worse type of liar than all of the people that tell their "white lies," because I tell lies that keep me from telling someone how much I appreciate them. I'm a liar that protects my own feelings instead of those of others.

A Golden Winged Ship

Just when I'd thought that all of my hopes and dreams were ruined, and that I could never have what I wanted, everything changed.
Today I was talking with my therapist (my physical therapist, not the other one), and I asked him if I could start using a cane instead of crutches. He laughed at me, but he did consent that it wouldn't hurt anything and that I could use a cane. I'm so excited. And you should be, too.

Hyper-sensitive

The other day I was chatting with Stefani (her name be praised, this week) and Marissa dropped by. For some reason I suddenly felt like I needed a hug, so I asked Marissa for a hug. She was rightly skeptical, since I've probably never willingly given or received a hug before, and she thought I was playing some kind of trick on her. I got upset that she didn't trust me and banished her from my presence. (That makes me sound powerful and slightly evil.)
As soon as Marissa left, Stefani scolded me for being stupid, and told me to stop being so hyper-sensitive. (Sound familiar?)
So, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me lately, but that's just a single example that made me realize how imbalanced I am. I think I've been getting bothered by silly little things a lot lately, though. So, anyway, if I've recently freaked out on you (or if I do in the near future), I'm sorry for being stupid, and please be patient with me.
I'd like to blame it on the drugs, but maybe I'm just crabby and need a nap.

Being Stefani

This weekend Tyler stopped by for a few before his brother's wedding reception. Aaron was over, too, and we were just sitting around chatting, and then the next thing I knew, I was waking up on the couch several hours later, and they were both gone. I'd fallen asleep in the middle of a conversation.
This surgery and the corresponding drugs make my sleeping habits drastly different. I can't stay asleep because my leg always hurts, but I can't stay awake because the drugs make me drowsy. During my first class last week I kept falling asleep, and I couldn't help it. (When I woke up and asked the guy next to me what was going on, it seemed that no one that had been conscious understood anything either, so I don't feel too bad about it.)
The point is, of course, that now I know how Stefani feels.